Through My Care Giver Eyes - Isolation

There are a few emotions related to care giving that I never anticipated. And some of these emotions have changed who I am as a person.

One is social isolation.

The short version is this: as the elderly person's scope narrows, the care giver's scope can also narrow.

As I mentioned previously, it is not uncommon to find the social connections, hobbies, physical abilities and health of the elderly narrow resulting in a very home bound life. Sometimes keeping up socially is "just too much trouble" for the elderly. And if this happens it can impact the care giver as well.

I have been a social person most of my life. Projecting my life into my retirement ... I anticipated many things that would keep me outside the home. I was never one to gain energy from being at home or time alone.

For example, here are activities I could joyfully predict would fill my life with if there were no constraints.

Tai Chi

Knitting Groups (I attend only one - there are three.)

Book Discussion Groups

Exercise - walking, Curves, Yoga

Visiting friends

Art classes at the local community college

Day trips

Vacations and Travel

Cat and Dog Shows

Crafts and Craft Shows

Volunteer activities at local animal shelters or wild life center

Shopping

Light hiking

Dog park visits with my grand babies

Beach trips with friends

Movies

Exhibits - live in the Washington Baltimore corridor - there is a lot to do

If you examine this partial list carefully, most take place outside the home.

My reality now is that being "around the house" is necessary if you want to know what is going on and to assist with certain tasks. Being "around" is what Mom seems to need as well. When I am gone, she "forgets" where I am, she frets, she waits, she worries ...

So I have tried to find ways to develop pastimes and hobbies that keep me at home, but keep me isolated. They all tended to be the kinds of activities that would appeal to a hermit, not a social butterfly.

My activities look alot like this ...

Knitting, weaving, spinning

Blogging

Ipad games

Pod Casts

Reading - Audio books

TV

Dog sitting

House keeping - Decluttering

Inviting friends to our house

I enjoy these all activities, but the list is much shorter, and it is more solitary. I have managed to hold onto my Tuesday morning knitting group time away from the house. But knitting group is a single social event in a great waste land of solitary activities.

Despite everything I have said to this point, I am NEVER really alone. Mom, my husband, my kids, my granddogs ... they pretty much fill my life. I am grateful for them. But I have grown to greatly value my alone time. For example, driving to pick up my grand dogs is one such alone activity I truly enjoy. Just me with my thoughts (and thousands of Washington Baltimore drivers - but they don't count.) When Mom asks if she can go with me, I usually tell her no. I feel bad because she could use some time out of the house as well, but I need that time for me. My walks (infrequent as of late) are another alone time that I cherish. I used to enjoy walking with my husband. Now walking alone is more satisfying. Crazy as it sounds, if I could take a week's vacation by my self - I would be in heaven.

Some solitary activities are desired, others are not.

The person writing this blog post today is very different the person who started on the care giving journey 5 years ago. I am a person with limited ability and energy to give. I used to think there was no bottom to my giving nature. There is. I value my alone time more now than I ever did before. I find my alone time to be a precious commodity. I am a person who experienced great disappointment and loss in this journey and it has changed me. Solitary time is sometimes more rewarding than all the social and familial activities that I once enjoyed.

Contractions? Maybe.

It all comes down to an isolation that I didn't seek out but accept as part of my role - my care giver role. Someday that role will disappear. It will be interesting to see if the current changes to my nature, my personality, remain.

I believe that some life experiences mark you, change you, permanently.

I feel changed.